Percent Punter Pillows

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'We're under a lot of time-pressure here, so we'll need to jump to conclusions.'

Fan-Centric Stadium

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

"I take it the tortoise wasn't available."

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

Bureau of statistics and probability

Football will be penalised...

'Oh, yes, he's patriotic alright - only uses the Red Lion, the White Hart and the Blue Boar!!'

'No wonder they call themselves Miracle Vineyards. The label says this red is 50 Merlot, 50 Cabernet and 50 Sangiovese.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

Gambler And Umpire

Three Unwise Men

Man at the winnings collection point in the bookie's is asleep.

The Return of Football

Donkey Fights

"A Japanese company will deliver to us for �6.75 a thousand."

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

'Probability Institute' '4-1, 2-3, even'

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."