Pun Punter Pillows

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

Dogs life

Twenty years later, Kim turns the tables on her loathsome former English teacher.

A Semicolon.

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

His Other Shtick

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

fried eggs...

"It's ok - you're not the first man to lose his head over a pretty girl. . ."

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

Teacher to students: 'A penny for your thoughts, but only if you're here on scholarship.'

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

Fakir Repairs

'She saved the best for last!'

I'll stop acting like I have a stick up my butt when I don't, in fact, have a stick up my butt.

A beginner's guide to being a sociopath

Gambler And Umpire

"I think that's where he's coming from, mate."

Man kicking an exclamation mark.

"Looks like Del's having another acid flash back."

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'