Pension Punter Pillows

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

The Contrarian funds

A Semicolon.

Fan-Centric Stadium

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

"Well, I changed the signs. Now you can enter your office. Thanks for waiting, sir."

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."

"Remember the good ol' days when the house was earning more than the two of us?"

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

'You and your cheap flights!!'

Man trying to grab a pension from a crane slot machine

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

'I assumed this is where the market headed south, but GPS says 'southeast'.'

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

"Extinction? Relax. We're too big to fail."

Boy: 'Oh YEAH?! Well my dad's Mortgage is BIGGER than YOUR dad's!

I think the word you are hunting for is 'plummet'.

'Aren't you afraid of inaccuracies on your credit report?'

Acupuncturist - 'Please enter your pin'.

'I think I'm suffering from fiscal tightening.'

Man kicking an exclamation mark.