Penny Punter Pillows

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

"I've been having stomach problems. I sit on the bathroom for 30 minutes in the morning...and a half-hour in the evening."

A Semicolon.

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

Saloon Selectives

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

"Any volunteers to sell their souls to Satan?"

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'

I brought two #1 pencils.

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

Teacher to students: 'A penny for your thoughts, but only if you're here on scholarship.'

A beginner's guide to being a sociopath

Fakir Repairs

Donkey Fights

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

"Now what?"

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

"Remeber I said I'd make sure our savings lasted as long as we did..."

The God's football

Man kicking an exclamation mark.

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"We need to fix an enormous hole in the pension fund. Can I suggest a jumble sale?"

"I just heard that when you die your social security checks stop!"

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'

"How would you describe my body type...Creamy or Chunky?"