Pressure Punter Pillows

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

"Bretheren and Sistern out there in Congregational Land!"

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Saloon Selectives

"Must dash - I'm appearing in a 'restaurant soup' cartoon this afternoon..."

"We can patch 'em, but you'd have to settle for half-decent intentions."

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

Gambler And Umpire

Man at the winnings collection point in the bookie's is asleep.

Fakir Repairs

'I was close to winning the pools this Saturday. The bloke next door won.'

Nuclear power plant.

Donkey Fights

"I think we need to spend some time apart."

'I'm really quite religious. I pray every time I buy a lottery ticket.'

The God's football

"You're Not Bending Your Knees."

"My paycheque this month is actually less than I made on the football pool."