Penny Punster Pillows

Teacher to students: 'A penny for your thoughts, but only if you're here on scholarship.'

A beginner's guide to being a sociopath

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

Assault 'n' Vinegar

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Sweep the board.

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

Dogs life

'Iguana know what time it is.'

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

Dog Walker

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

Pet Cemetery.

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."