Pencil Punster Pillows

I brought two #1 pencils.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Jurassic Pork.'

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'Two men having a sword fight with large pen and pencil.'

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

A Tongue Stud.

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

Math Jokes

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

Optometrist practical jokes

"Your manuscript is utter trash, of course. How does a half-million first printing sound to you?"

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Baby Grand Larceny

Henry Grumble, an editor to the bitter end.

Timmy Gets Solitary.

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

Gag t-shirt for Mensa members.