Pencil Punster Gifts

I brought two #1 pencils.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Jurassic Pork.'

Dogs life

Kick Me! (sign on an anthropomorphized soccer ball)

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"Igor, you fool! I said 'healthy brain'!"

Garden of Eden and scrumping

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

'Two men having a sword fight with large pen and pencil.'

A-Hem! I'm still singing here!

A Tongue Stud.

"No, I'm not a hare, I just happen to have big ears..."

Math Jokes

'My mom says an apple a day keeps the physician's assistant away.'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Hmmmm. I'll bluff. Then they'll counter-bluff, so if I counter-counter-bluff...password should do it."

Optometrist practical jokes

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

"Your manuscript is utter trash, of course. How does a half-million first printing sound to you?"

'Hey, Lady, this is a sixty zone!'

'I think he'll be okay. He had a mild brush stroke.'

Surfin' the web.

Mobile Holmes.

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

'I have a rasp in my throat.'

Timmy Gets Solitary.

Henry Grumble, an editor to the bitter end.

Baby Grand Larceny

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

'I hope you get an ice cream headache!'

Right jab or left jab.

Granny's Old Tyme Prostitute Chocolate Chip Cookies

67 79 97. I thought they'd be more vigorous. I said they're "primes," not "in their prime." 30.

'I can't make ends meet, let alone justify the means.'