Pension Punter Gifts

'Hey, it's my first retirement check!'

"I never accomplish the impossible, if I did it would become an expectation."

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

The Contrarian funds

Twenty years later, Kim turns the tables on her loathsome former English teacher.

A Semicolon.

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

Fan-Centric Stadium

'If you want to improve your golf score, the best wood to use is a pencil with an eraser.'

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

Headstone in bird cage, "We really loved our budgie.."

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

Saloon Selectives

'Do you think it takes 10p?'

Dolphin at bar - 'I'm in disguise'

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."

"Well, I changed the signs. Now you can enter your office. Thanks for waiting, sir."

"Remember the good ol' days when the house was earning more than the two of us?"

'You and your cheap flights!!'

'I assumed this is where the market headed south, but GPS says 'southeast'.'

'Your father's been really getting under my feet.'

Man trying to grab a pension from a crane slot machine

-You seem certain he'll win the second race! -Yes, because he's in the FIRST race!

'I bet I can tell you the score before the game starts. Nil-nil.'

'Look, I don't know what repulsive smelly thing I just ate, but I know what I like.'

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

"Extinction? Relax. We're too big to fail."

Boy: 'Oh YEAH?! Well my dad's Mortgage is BIGGER than YOUR dad's!

I think the word you are hunting for is 'plummet'.

Use the word "pail" around the chickens. The word "bucket" scares them.

"We all float down here....Except for the pound, of course!"

'Aren't you afraid of inaccuracies on your credit report?'

Acupuncturist - 'Please enter your pin'.

Man kicking an exclamation mark.