Pessimistic Punsters Pillows

"One hundred billion workers and I'm the only one made redundant. Do you realise how unlucky that makes me feel?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

Another Turning Point in History. Oh, the heck with it -- I'll never get these antlers right. Mickey Moose.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"Sometimes I bark at nothing."

"Hey, how did you get your vaccine before me?"

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

'He's Barack Obama? I thought you said 'he brought a bomb on!''

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

Psychologist Birthdays

Tom's last day.

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

"Can you give me some sort of metaphor for how you're feeling?"

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

Hamlet.

Claude

'I've been experiencing a lot of deja moo.'

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

"How long have you been suffering from anthropomorphism?"

Those four microwave dings you just heard indicate that dinner is ready, Lance. Hop to it! Unlike some individuals I know, I am not one of Pavlov's wolverines.

Psychiatry. Your disorientation is number 2248 in my psychiatry manual. You mean my daze is numbered?

'I can't remember why I came here either.'

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

Misfortune cookies

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

Whinge drinkers: 'Music is too loud as usual', 'You can never get a seat'.

It was another quiet day for Johnson.

Psychobabble.

Freud Met Santa...

Happy Hour 5-6, but don't read a lot into it.

"I wish she's take us. She shops at the 99 scent store!"