Pessimistic Punsters Pillows

"One hundred billion workers and I'm the only one made redundant. Do you realise how unlucky that makes me feel?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

'We had an Old Testament skit today. Al Sims was the Hittite, and I was the hittee.'

"Sometimes I bark at nothing."

"Hey, how did you get your vaccine before me?"

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

Tom's last day.

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

'Well doctor, is it serious?'

"Can you give me some sort of metaphor for how you're feeling?"

Hamlet.

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

Misfortune cookies

Whinge drinkers: 'Music is too loud as usual', 'You can never get a seat'.

"Behold the geometry of pizza: square, circle and triangle."

"How long have you been suffering from anthropomorphism?"

'I can't remember why I came here either.'

It was another quiet day for Johnson.

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

Psychobabble.

Freud Met Santa...

-I once dreamed about carrots and peas,and then bet on two horses the next day called carrots and peas. Guess who won? -Who? -An outsider called mixed vegetables.

"I wish she's take us. She shops at the 99 scent store!"