Procedures Gifts

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'He's the most important man here - He writes the compliance procedures for the DEPARTMENT of Compliance!'

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"Whoa...not so fast! First of all please tell me your address, your health insurance number, and spell your name for me, Mr. HelpI'mBleedingToDeath."

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

The worker/the man who monitors the worker/the man who wrote the draft policy guidelines on how to monitor the man monitoring the worker.

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"We found a problem with your bill. It's too low. But I'm confident we can get it into the unaffordabe range soon."

'What do you mean, you've had a change of heart?'

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"When I said hair transplant I meant more than one."

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

Emma is very happy that the doctor will finally remove the growth on Daddy's nose but she's also a little sad to see it go...

Break Glass in Case of Fire: Tiny Firemen.

'And that's the simplest way to surgically remove a 'mole' from the patient!'

Fire Assembly Point

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."

"There's something very wrong with this picture, detective."

'I'm going to check with my pastor to see what the Bible says about this operation.'

"I think the chances for a reduced sentence were reduced when you called the judge a pompous old windbag in open court."

'As a part of a cost-cutting experiment all of our safety measures will be replaced with these good luck charms.'

"Next time you want me to swallow a camera, just wrap it in bacon!"

"It's for his shakes."

'Mobile reception OK in there?'

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

'I'm groping for a snappy, Hollywood-style one-liner in answer to your question, your Honor, but all I'm coming up with is 'Not Guilty!''

'Nurse Wilhelm will be live-blogging the whole procedure.'

Judge

"I object, Your Honor! The witness is being coached."

Micromanager of the Year Award: 'No, you need to present the award from my left...and did you do the awards form 87F, 2012?...'