Legal Procedure Gifts

'I'm groping for a snappy, Hollywood-style one-liner in answer to your question, your Honor, but all I'm coming up with is 'Not Guilty!''

"I think the chances for a reduced sentence were reduced when you called the judge a pompous old windbag in open court."

Trial by Media

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

"For the sake of not being redundant, your honor, I feel that one 'bad dog' is sufficient."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Can I sue someone because I didn't win my lawsuit?'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Prosecution bears the burden of proof. Defense bears the burden of twisting and distorting said proof.

"Well, heck! If all you smart cookies agree, who am I to dissent?"

"Objection! Pummelling the witness."

Sue The Bastards

"And I put it to you Mr. MacDonald, that on the morning of December 3rd, you had cold hands whilst attaching a milking machine to my client's udder!"

Employer surrenders to case loads of workplace disputes and claims.

'I couldn't help noticing that nobody swore YOU in!'

"'Season's Greetings' looks O.K. to me. Let's run it by the legal department."

"Isn't it true that the prosecution offered you a bone to testify?"

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

"All I can figure is that he must have been inspecting the water quality of our lakes and rivers when he became entangled in cement."

Alfred Marquez, Probate Attorney - Heir club for men.

'It was more than my finest hour, Paltrow. It was my finest billable hour.'

'Watch what you admit to. He once tried to fine one of my clients for looking a gift horse in the mouth.'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, my client blah blah...."

'I don't suppose there's any way I could serve my sentence on line?'

"Manafort's was the best flip yet."

'We the jury find the defendant very, very, very, guilty.'

Judge to attorneys in courtroom wearing boxing gloves: 'Looks like you're both ready for your opening arguments, gentlemen?'

"Excellent! It's the disclosure documents for your hearing on Monday."

'Overruled, you may continue.'

"In view of the new evidence, my client would like to change his plea to 'guilty-ish', M'Lud."

"Let's try the swearing-in process again, and this time, without the high-fives at the end."

'I believe my trainee is putting together the trial bundle for you now.'

The Court of Public Opinion

"That's right, think of yourself all the time! I'm the one who will be losing a client for the next twenty years."