Medical Procedure Preparation Gifts

"Can you keep a secret? My real kryptonite is preparing for a colonoscopy."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Look on the bright side...they'll probably name a disease after you.

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

"We found a problem with your bill. It's too low. But I'm confident we can get it into the unaffordabe range soon."

'What do you mean, you've had a change of heart?'

"When I said hair transplant I meant more than one."

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

Energy Conservation Be Damned. Fred constantly prepared for Global Warming and Nuclear Winter to happen at the same time.

Ready for the curves life throws at you.

"I forgot to get a selfie during the procedure. Can we do it again?"

Emma is very happy that the doctor will finally remove the growth on Daddy's nose but she's also a little sad to see it go...

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."

'There was no more putting it off; breast reduction time.'

'And that's the simplest way to surgically remove a 'mole' from the patient!'

'I'm going to check with my pastor to see what the Bible says about this operation.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

"I picked this one up in France while my wife had her hip replaced."

Fire Assembly Point

'He's the most important man here - He writes the compliance procedures for the DEPARTMENT of Compliance!'

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"Next time you want me to swallow a camera, just wrap it in bacon!"

'Mobile reception OK in there?'

"It's for his shakes."

HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS,

"Recovery involves elements of faith. So let's pray my billing service, this hospital and your insurance provider all work smoothly together."

"Whoa...not so fast! First of all please tell me your address, your health insurance number, and spell your name for me, Mr. HelpI'mBleedingToDeath."

'Nurse Wilhelm will be live-blogging the whole procedure.'

"The stress test was waiting for me for hours."

"The doctor's nurse's nurse practitioner will see you now."

Is there anyone here from 'customer care'? Could you tell them I'll ring back as soon as I've got my new kidney in!

A scared man who is about to have surgery performed by a robot.

HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS, 'For your hospital gown, do you prefer paper or plastic'