Private Humorist Gifts

'Society of hermits'

"Canadian Mt. ‘Rush’more"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"Take me to your Larder!"

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Radiator jazz player

"Not now, my love. I'm feeling preminstrel."

Replacement Bus Spotters.

"I thought it would be appropriate to have a band playing as we went down."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Fishing - No. IX

The Phantom Of The Garden

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

Opera singer singing to her partner who is wearing a gas mask on due to her bad breath.

Guitar pickin'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

Pay me not to pay 'Wonderwall'

Rap-scallions

"Who is 'coming around the mountain,' John? Could it be your mother?"

Double Saxophone

"Beans, Them Beans, Them Beans, Beans, Beans..."

Edward Elgar.

'Never mind singing it in rap...a simple 'I do' will suffice.''

No Instruments Please

Dr. Phil takes it home.

Champagne at the hunt

All Les's dreams of stardom were coming true, and he'd only played one note.

Magic Act

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Ding" "Dong"

"Y'know, sooner or later we're going to have to let her go out unaccompanied."