Private Healthcare Humorist Gifts

'Going private also means I get ten per cent off Dental Implants and Replacement Crowns!'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

Cardiac Recovery.

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'Nurse, why is there always a fly in my ointment?'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

Virtual Doctor

"We need to update your entire operating system."

'Hah! The joke's on you — I already thought up a second opinion!'

'I'm sorry. It looks like your insurance company doesn't cover pre-existing life.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"When was the last time anyone checked on Mr Klink."

"You have a co-pay...two cookies and a glass of milk."

"This will be a tricky operation."

'Very funny!'