Healthcare Humorists Gifts

'I can't read a word of this essay of yours. Excellent work.'

'75% of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff!'

"Don't worry- your patients' electronic records will be safe across your network. I'm using an encryption based on doctor handwriting legibility."

"On reflection, I admit the hernia stitches were too tight."

"Say aaargh!" (Dentist presents his bill to a patient).

Overworked GPs.

'Sorry, with this policy you can only get a second opinion from your insurance agent.'

'I checked our database. Your disease is so rare, there hasn't been a single telathon for it.'

'I dunno mate - it's an old model. Probably not worth repairing.'

The GPC has written to ministers about how children can be more involved with the NHS

'We thought hiring a 'barium barista' would make patients a little more excited about their fluoroscopy exam.'

'I'm referring you to tech assistance to help figure out your insurance options.'

'Yes, she does need orthotics, but the good news is that you have good health insurance...'

'I'm not taking any more of those Tranquillizers. I'm being nice to people I don't even want to talk to!'

"I miss the days when my doctor was older than me!"

'Wow, your expensive health insurance is worth every penny! According to your status, you're entitled to a special single room. Do you prefer the lift shaft or the heating cellar?'

That's a nasty outgoing toenail you've got there.'

"Do you need your pillow fluffed up?"

"I'm getting ready to have my fortune read to see my future, but first I want to make sure I can see clearly."

'Looks like your insurance does not cover pre-existing organs.'

"Get another opinion if you wish, Mr. Von Flip...But I'm confident it will still come up ' heads - we operate.'"

"This afternoon I have to deal with an irritable bowel and a grumbling appendix!"

The future of medicine

"This is the emergency hotline, unfortunately we can not respond to your call right now because we are having our own emergency!"

"How's my flu? Not good...I feel like a million bucks."

"You can always tell when we have new patients who need glasses."

"Increase your roughage, use cream to shrink them, and try not to scratch."

"The problem with a cure is that you will once again feel your normal self."

Long John Covid

Covid Plaster

"Health professionals prepare syringes for another intense vaccination day."

"I'm not sure if this is good or bad. . . he's allergic to H.M.O.'s!"

"I did warn you about the after effects."

Waiting for the doctor

"The good news is that you're not really ill. The bad news is that I'm not a real doctor."