Healthcare Humorist Gifts

"We're doing everything we can to make him comfortable, short of dressing up as male doctors."

Vending machines. Junk food. Robotic surgery.

"It's your ear, nose, and throat."

'The assistant to the physician's assistant will see you now.'

E-Y-E patients only.

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"I want you to lie as still as possible while Lyle and I take our lunch break."

"I am not the famous heart surgeon, but I am in his medical group."

"Clearly the patient's experiencing difficulty attaining the deep, final level of restful sleep."

"Ever had a paper cut? It's hell."

"I'm just here for the dental."

"Your medical records are safe with us. We take patient privacy very seriously."

'I'm sorry, but stress caused by trying to figure out your health insurance is not covered by it.'

"Uh-oh, your coverage doesn't seem to include illness."

'Truth and enlightenment are on another peak. I do medicare explainations.'

"There will be a bit of a wait while we figure out a market solution to your problem."

In the dark days, before doctor-patient confidentiality.

'Of course I'm listening to your expression of spiritual suffering. Don't you see me making eye contact, striking an open posture, leaning towards you and nodding empathetically?'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'Conventional medicine says take an aspirin. In the absence of tort reform, defensive medicine says MRI and Cat Scan.'

'My social life has really picked up lately, with all these health clinic visits.'

''AAAIIIGGGHHH'...So would that be a 'yes' to the question 'I believe my needs are understood'?'

"Is there a doctor who accepts Medicaid in the house?"

"We'll widen the clogged artery by inserting a balloon."

Medical Examinations.

"Are my test results in yet?" "Yes, you can see them on my website!"

'Urology...can you hold?'

Take As Directed Or As Budget Allows

'It's a postcard from your doctor. He says he'll be right with you.'

'I hate to tell you this, but that should be intensive care.'

To lower health-care costs, many physicians are teaming up with airport security.

'We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities.'

'Sorry, I'm a doctor. If you want that looked at, you'll have to make an appointment like everyone else.'

"We're borrowing the best features of the Canadian system."