Prison Warder Gifts

'Apparently, there was a hostile takeover.'

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

That party went well.

"I used to be your old school teacher, I always said you would amount to nothing."

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

'He has a big heart. . . inviting his homeless friends in to stay dry.'

Minority Report

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

"After the judicial system, I'm my own harshest critic."

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"This one's called 'Incarceration.'"

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

'That's right - a restraining order. You should know mother bears are very protective of their young.'

Madoff and devil.

Freedom Book.

'Are you free at the moment?'

"The truth serum made you say some very hurtful things."

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

Overcrowding's becoming a real problem in our penal system

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

'Apparently my DNA had guilt written all over it.'

'Where did I bury the loot? -- I thought you buried the loot!'

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

'Newgate - Exercise Yard'

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'