Jail Warden Gifts

'The cook did time for manslaughter with a Saturday Night Special. Not the gun, the dinner.'

"Talk, Wallace - where'd you hide the loot?"

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

That party went well.

"I used to be your old school teacher, I always said you would amount to nothing."

'He has a big heart. . . inviting his homeless friends in to stay dry.'

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

Minority Report

"My problem is a recessive gene for honesty and a dominant gene for robbery."

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

Introducing Ambient Books: No beginning...no middle...no end...just a bunch of sentences specially written to soothe and relax the reader.

"This one's called 'Incarceration.'"

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

Madoff and devil.

'That's right - a restraining order. You should know mother bears are very protective of their young.'

'I thought he was joking. I didn't think my husband would really turn me in to the FDA!'

'Are you free at the moment?'

Overcrowding's becoming a real problem in our penal system

"Do you cover hypochondria?"

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"The truth serum made you say some very hurtful things."

"Cheer up, Simon. . . I'm always here for you!"

Freedom Book.

'Where did I bury the loot? -- I thought you buried the loot!'

'Look, several prisoners in my client's facility have reported finding God in their cells! Yet you claim you've never broken in one time?'

'Newgate - Exercise Yard'

When staffing agencies screw up.

Prisoner Trump

"I found out the hard way what a short hop it is from 'Seize the Day' to 'Seize the Money!'"

Exposed and imprisoned.

'We didn't have enough money for steel bars, so we just put a bunch of syrup on the wood.'

'I'm glad you're making friends, Darrel.'

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

"Convicts selling novels from prison? At least that could never happen here, eh Jones?"

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"