Prison Reformer Humor Gifts

'You are here for 99-years.'

"The lettuce I paid with was fresher than the lettuce I bought."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Remember, we're not just making money. We're building prisons."

When staffing agencies screw up.

Human Rights

"One night in a moment of rage. . . I removed a 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law' tag from a pillow!"

'I mistakenly thought that 'mutual' meant the funds were equally mine to use.'

'OVERCROWDED-I'll say it's OVERCROWDED!'

"How'd you know I was in for cyber crime?"

'See, I told you it was a good idea to talk to the plants.'

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

Convict Decor

'I tried to give a woman the Heimlich maneuver, and it turned out she was doing the Macarena.'

"Murder one. How about you?" "I tried to rob an arts and crafts store with a hot glue gun."

'He didn't wash his hands.'

Post Office fraud wing in a prison.

Prison baseball game features Bankers vs. Wall Street.

'She kept asking me to say what was on my mind so I did. She told her analyst and then the FBI.'

"Look on the bright side. You no longer live with your parents."

Martha bakes with her new friends.

'I was told to reach for the stars but when I did, I was arrested for stalking.'

'They got me for 'hate-texting.''

"They want to spend the weekend at Daddy's" (Colour)

'I suppose you'd like your porridge shaken, not stirred?'

'The SEC got me for inflating the numbers..'

"The other gangs can give you protection. We can give you free wi-fi."

'Ms. Daly, have there been any important e-mails or voice-mails during my incarceration?'

Prisoners complaining during an inspection

'I'm in here for something I didn't do alright-I didn't pay my Council Tax!'

"I've sent last minute treatments to all the major studios."

'But I learned a valuable lesson: Before you put out a contract on anyone, be sure to read the fine print.'