Pretentious Pals Gifts

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Oh, this old thing?"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

We're halfway through teaching her to roll over.

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

"This is one of her more important paintings from her early period."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

"Let's bury the TV remote and all the cell phones, then sit back and watch what happens."

Then, after a brief silence, things turned ugly,

Upside down question mark hanging from fishing line.

'Quick! 'Tushy to the ground' stance!'

'It's finished, my masterpiece - wait...'

'Instead of teaching me useless tricks like rolling over and fetching, how about teaching me to ride that motorcycle of yours?'

Waiter is about to give diner the Turkey Surprise dinner.

Golfer couple just married

'All the demons chipped in to get Satan a gag gift for his birthday.'

But alas, it was only Grandpa Otis and his signature, 'Pull my feather,' prank.

"My neighbor's house got TPed, and doubled in value."

Death of a Prankster

"Oh, yeah! A little to the right. . . down a bit. . . Ahhh!"

I say if life gives you tapens, make tapenade.

'Pedants Society meeting here Friday...'

New Acquisitions at the Museum of Modern Food

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

"Just stare up into the corner of the ceiling and growl. It really freaks him out."

Beware of Old Dogs Learning New Tricks

'Jiggles is out for the season... he broke his funny bone.'

"Whoa! He musta' jumped ten feet that time."