Pretentious Poser Gifts

"Oh, this old thing?"

Man posing on beach as women ignore him.

"This is one of her more important paintings from her early period."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

'Don't just stand there, get into focus!'

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

"We grind our own catnip."

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Bird in sunglasses balancing on a stick.

Art Pets

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

Plagiarism

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

'I found it difficult to put down, but I will. It's trite rubbish.'

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

I say if life gives you tapens, make tapenade.

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

New Acquisitions at the Museum of Modern Food

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

Inferior Designer

"Yuck. I could make better crêpes fourrées aux boeufs brouillés au parmesan myself."

I'm also carrying that book around without reading it.

"'Au contraire' to you, too."

"The house of Chardonnay, sir - it's a young wine and a bit fruit forward."

"Oh no, sweetie. I don't play. I just want to look like I do."