Pretentiousness Pundit Gifts

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

"Oh, this old thing?"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

Avoid talking about personal and domestic issues at interviews, unless asked.

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

"Technically, when the manufacturer wants your car back, it's a recall. When the bank does it, it's a repossession."

"I blame the regulators for giving predatory pricing a bad name."

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

Big government pig

That'll be �57.50, Potter.

"The pound is reaching parity with Liz Truss."