Pretension Pundit Gifts

'I'm not one to brag or anything but take a guess what this thing cost?'

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

"I can't wait to see our new ad campaign. Wait, don't tell me...it's NEW and IMPROVED!"

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

New Dross, Same as the Old Dross

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"Technically, when the manufacturer wants your car back, it's a recall. When the bank does it, it's a repossession."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'