Pressure Pundit Gifts

A tiny man squeezing a giant's head in a vice

"Now, you may feel a little pressure..."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

I've Always Wanted to Be Oppressed By Someone Who Looks Like Me

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Neuro, Biology, Chemistry, Feedback, Psychology, Technology, Physiology Institute

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'Why is it always about me?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

"Once you've jumped over the moon, standing around in a field all day just doesn't cut it."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

New Dross, Same as the Old Dross

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

'Look! If I wave these around I can generate electricity!'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'The Pope has decided to issue another apology for not issuing an apology.'

"I can take or leave my nose ring, but it does seem to improve wifi reception."

"I've been on the hip and thigh diet."

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

"Don't feel bad. Shallow people make my job easy."