Press Conference Pundit Gifts

'I think it will be a very competitive season. Most of the league's key players are out on bail.'

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

Dollars Press Conference

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

"But for an update in GM products in farming we have a spokescarrot."

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"Please remember - if the President doesn't get mad at you, don't take it personally - Mr. Trump is very, very busy."

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

New Dross, Same as the Old Dross

I'm sorry Charles is unavailable for polite comment.

'Look! If I wave these around I can generate electricity!'

'The Pope has decided to issue another apology for not issuing an apology.'

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

"Yes, we can hear well at the back, but I'd be happy to change seats with anyone who can't..."

'Over the years our company has acquired a face of its own.'

EU-budget fight

'If voting in elections really changed anything the politicians wouldn't allow it!'

Before you read the Guardian, ask yourself: do I need to?

"Now, you may feel a little pressure..."

'That's the problem with absolute power, Sire. It corrupts absolutely. And it always seems to start with the fenders and door panels.'

Ostrich with head buried in newspaper

Vernon Trunick with the 3 O'Clock Report

'I have time for 3 more of those politically booby-trapped minefields you call questions.'

"For a change of pace, you shout and answer and I'll make up a question."

Diddly

'We wouldn't dream of blaming you...'

'This is an amicable split. Coach O'Neill has done a great job. We just have different ideas...'