Press Conference Satirist Gifts

"But for an update in GM products in farming we have a spokescarrot."

"...And do you Sean Spicer take Kelly Anne Conway..." "The marriage of alternative facts"

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

'Cat job interviews.'

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"Can you hear me now?"

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

'You are in court today, so I've got to take you into make up.'

"I'm going to read a statement and then I'll take questions.''

'No comment for now, but there will be a press leak at four.'

Dollars Press Conference

CIA Recommended TVs

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"According to the Times, the cartoonist drew my right hand wrong."

I'm sorry Charles is unavailable for polite comment.

Celebrity 10 o'clock news...

"Please remember - if the President doesn't get mad at you, don't take it personally - Mr. Trump is very, very busy."

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

"Any family history of stroke? Diabetes? Bankruptcy?"

'...And now, it's time for the news, sports, weather and bimbos.'

"The media should...keep its mouth shut and just listen for awhile."

'This is what we call a 'patient'...you MAY find some reference to one of them on page 435 of your manual.'

"If anyone has a question do not hesitate to open your mouth wide up."

'...And now it's time for today's celebrity hissy-fit....'

'so let me get this straight... you're famous for being the sister of the wife of a man who went to school with someone who knew someone else who is already famous?'

"I usually vote for whoever promises to cut the most tax."

The main reason I came out of hiding? FOMO."