Pretentiousness Pundit T-Shirts

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

"Oh, this old thing?"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

Avoid talking about personal and domestic issues at interviews, unless asked.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

"Technically, when the manufacturer wants your car back, it's a recall. When the bank does it, it's a repossession."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

"I blame the regulators for giving predatory pricing a bad name."

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

Big government pig

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

That'll be �57.50, Potter.