Profanity Pundit Gifts

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

'Never roll your eyes while the boss is talking.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"The exclamation points make the whole thing seem desperate and contrived."

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

Voice of the GOP

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

Literary Dogs.

"Technically, when the manufacturer wants your car back, it's a recall. When the bank does it, it's a repossession."

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

A poison pen fights a poison mic.

Oval Office

Apostrophe, Aopstropher, Apostrothem.

EU-budget fight

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

Big government pig