Punctuation Pundit Gifts

'I'm sorry, Mrs. Marks but I'm afraid your husband has fallen into a deep comma...'

"The exclamation points make the whole thing seem desperate and contrived."

"I'm so glad you're back, Phil. This meeting got really dull while you were gone!"

Apostrophe, Aopstropher, Apostrothem.

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"I know! I know! I K-n-o-w!. . . Um, what was the question?"

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Various entrances to the gates of Hell."

"You have no idea what it's like to be a 'just between you and me' person in a 'just between you and I' world."

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Sub Post Office/Sub-Justice

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

A Semicolon.

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

Tory leadership contest - Dog whistles