Proverb Pundit Gifts

'In medical terms, it's known as 'cat got your tongue'.'

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

When one door closes another one opens. It sounds like's been playing that video game again.

Updated Proverbs. We come into the world with nothing. And leave deeply in debt!

'I get to work early and all I get are the worms.'

'Hmmm, the 27th you say... Yes, I'm away that day, so I guess it's OK for you to play...'

"You're right, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except for this - this is going to kill you."

Quality Control

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Giant merger.

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

"Take the severance package, Hayward. The rest of the board wanted a ritual slaying."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rush Limbaugh

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'