Pretentious Sipper Gifts

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

Two children are running lemonade stands outside their home; one stand is more popular than the other.

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"Oh, this old thing?"

'Don't let him pick the wine. He thinks Dom Perignon was someone who got knocked off on the Sopranos.'

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

Velvety. And so was the wine.

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

"And would you like a wine stopper?"

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

"The 'Ex' huh?"

"One man's dirty water is another man's Earl Grey."

"May I say, sir, the staff and I just knew you'd see through that Beaujolais."

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'Too acidic? On the contrary, I find it well balanced.'

Scariest Tactics

I say when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade

"Persistent, well-rounded, and full-bodied, with hints of smoke, and just a soupdon of irregularity."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

Man battles for his life against 'A Very Lively Little Red'

Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my soup. Try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"Bartender - givish me another shot."

The wine was fruity and quite lively.

"I highly recommend our featured red. With its markup, what waiter wouldn't?"

Envy, gluttony, green and lust.

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"More wine?"

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

"Lady, I didn't go to barista school just to serve you black coffee."

New Acquisitions at the Museum of Modern Food