Pretentious Sipper Gifts

'I don't actually want to learn so much that I become a wine buff - just a wine snob!'

Two children are running lemonade stands outside their home; one stand is more popular than the other.

'Sparky, fetch me an impudent little chardonnay.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

"Oh, this old thing?"

'It has to breathe for exactly 22 minutes; then I can pour you a glass - right after the sacrifice.'

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

"This wine tastes like a**....Bring me every bottle you have!"

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

Velvety. And so was the wine.

"And would you like a wine stopper?"

'Ptuwah! This is tap water!'

"May I say, sir, the staff and I just knew you'd see through that Beaujolais."

"The 'Ex' huh?"

"One man's dirty water is another man's Earl Grey."

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Revelatory, Michael - such airy meatballs."

'No I don't do decaf, soy lattes with a shot of vanilla!'

'Too acidic? On the contrary, I find it well balanced.'

Scariest Tactics

"Persistent, well-rounded, and full-bodied, with hints of smoke, and just a soupdon of irregularity."

"I highly recommend our featured red. With its markup, what waiter wouldn't?"

The wine was fruity and quite lively.

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

"Bartender - givish me another shot."

Man battles for his life against 'A Very Lively Little Red'

Envy, gluttony, green and lust.

"A cheeky little wine, would you agree?"

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

"Lady, I didn't go to barista school just to serve you black coffee."

New Acquisitions at the Museum of Modern Food

"For those planning to post a nit-picking, fault-finding critique of us online, may I suggest out 'whine and dine' menu."