Pretension Observer Gifts

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

"Lately, I've been trying to spend less time staring at the glowing orb."

'Money is a bit tight at the moment, so instead of cash we wondered whether you'd settle for 20% more meaningless protestations of how much we value you?'

"He's only an associate but he's already reaping at a partner's level."

Bumper Limos

Astronaut Selfie.

"Leak to the press: Brussels bail-outs are French currency manipulation, costing British bureaucrats' jobs!"

Gone to seed.

'What day is trash pickup around here?'

"May I say, sir, the staff and I just knew you'd see through that Beaujolais."

"I love it when they come with warning labels."

'He's so fast he has to stop to clean the insects off his glasses.'

Film Critic

Space junk.

'How can you be so cheap?'

'Why John, I remember you when you were this high.'

"I've half a mind to protest."

'I've always found the stars disappointingly small.'

'Do you ever catch yourself wondering if this is all part of some crazy experiment?' (God looking at Earth through microscope)

This is great, Ernie! Photoshopping pictures is a lot easier than dieting!

"I feel like Brunnhilde, but in 'The Kentucky Cycle.'"

Gas Prices

"One day son, all this will be yours."

Glass Bottom Earth Tours

Man advertises his Deli at a televised protest.

"Well, of course you feel like you are - We ARE all just going around in circles!"

'I hope it's a quick knockout, I'm double parked.'

John panics as he realizes being first to put money in the offering means people will know how much he gave.

'I do wish you would stop asking for change back when they pass the plate.'

Betty's Ex, Ray, Glasses.

'Human Rights? You want to talk about Human Rights?? What the heck are you - a bloody communist??!'

"The world's getting smaller, right, so why are the postal prices getting larger?"

"One minute I was Chairman and Chief Executive of Mammon Industries, the next I'm the gallbladder in room 405."