Prescription Comedian Gifts

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

'I'm going to give you something for your depression - it's an airline ticket to the Bahamas!'

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

'One placebo or two, doctor?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

"I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us. We're contraindicated."

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

'Take two a day and in a couple of years you'll be a pharmacist!'

'Side effects may include loss of appetite, job, home and family.'

'I want to biopsy that growth, Mr. Johnson. I don't like the looks of it.'

"Hey Frank, how was your colonoscopy?" "In and out."

"I suggest you take these pills on an empty stomach."

"Your report card says you don't interact well with other medications."

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

"May I suggest we up your medication, sire.

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

Stupid medicine - Shake Well Before Using.

"Ok, here's another one about antibiotics. . ."

'Spin GP'

"Your intestinal flora looks good."

"I checked in with a broken hip. The food poisoning came later."

"If you feel the hear pounding rush of first love, all your doctor."

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

"These drugs won't do much, but the combined side effects are a hoot!"

If you're still not suffering fools gladly in two weeks, we'll up the dosage.

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'You'll need to see a chiropractor. You've dislocated your brain.'

'You've gotta help me! I can't read my own writing!'

'... And you say you first noticed them just after you had a 'near death experience'?'

'Oh dear.'