Doctor's Orders Comedian Gifts

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

"And that was just your sudoku chart."

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

'I had this two years ago.'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

Spock visits the Orthopedics

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

'Spin GP'

"Your intestinal flora looks good."

'It's a routine operation.'

"I checked in with a broken hip. The food poisoning came later."

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'You'll need to see a chiropractor. You've dislocated your brain.'

'... And you say you first noticed them just after you had a 'near death experience'?'

'Oh dear.'

'Try to think of it as drip therapy.'

"Other than the harpoon, I can't find a thing wrong with you."

'Don't worry. That questionnaire is a lot more intrusive than your surgery will be.'

'The doctor doesn't want you getting too excited, so I'll be giving you your bed bath.'