Doctor's Orders Comedian Gifts

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

"Don't think of this birthday as you're getting older. Think of it as being one day closer to irritable bowel syndrome."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

Relax, I'm just here to pick up a prescription.

'I had this two years ago.'

'It's called a bedSIDE manner, Doctor.'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

"And that was just your sudoku chart."

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

'Spin GP'

'It's a routine operation.'

"Your intestinal flora looks good."

"I checked in with a broken hip. The food poisoning came later."

'Let me explain what i mean about a 'Stool Sample' Mr.Hattnel.'

'You'll need to see a chiropractor. You've dislocated your brain.'

'... And you say you first noticed them just after you had a 'near death experience'?'

'Oh dear.'

"Other than the harpoon, I can't find a thing wrong with you."

'Try to think of it as drip therapy.'

'Don't worry. That questionnaire is a lot more intrusive than your surgery will be.'

"How are you since you swallowed that £2 coin?. . .Has there been any change?"

'The doctor doesn't want you getting too excited, so I'll be giving you your bed bath.'