Doctor's Office Humorist Gifts

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

Spock visits the Orthopedics

Dr. Kessler will be with you shortly. Please water the plants and have a seat.

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

'I reckon my blood pressure is raised by looking at all the celeb mags in your waiting rooms.'

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"I really like Dr. Jenkins, but he sure doesn't update his magazines very often."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Ice Cream Surgeon

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

"The first one's just a warning."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

Doctor pulling golf caddy sees patient pulling oxygen caddy.

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

"Would you please step back to the machine while I make an adjustment?"

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"Hope you don't mind, but I can't find my little hammer."

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Vlad the Inhaler

Cardiac Recovery.

We did a biopsy on the mole we removed, and it turns out it was just an old piece of chocolate.

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

'ooh! A womb with a view.'

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."