Doctor's Office Humor Fan Gifts

'I advise you to change doctors.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

"I think it stopped breathing."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

"The patient in 12-C needs comforting."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

'That's not what I meant by 'IV'.'

"Well, you may not have the body of an athlete, but you certainly have the foot of one."

"Bad news. Your use-by date was a month ago."

"You're suffering from extreme laziness."

'My goodness, how many miricle drugs did they give you?'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

'I think you'll get a kick out of our 'haunted' MRI, Mrs. Hanratty.'

'I've discovered you have feet of clay.'

"Here comes the super-visor."

Johns Hopkins School of Best Medicine

9 out of 10 doctors recommend keeping their stethoscopes in the freezer.

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"Look, look … someone wrote unoperable."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.