Doctor's Office Comedian Gifts

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How long do I have to ignore your advice."

"I had a fecal transplant, and my symptoms are gone. I want my $86,000 back.

"Wow, at last! Somebody who's really ill."

"I'm sending you to the not so ICU."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"If it were painful, could I do this?"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'It may be more inconvenient, but the 'Reverse Prostate Exam' is a lot less embarrassing for the both of us.'

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

"That's where the pain gets me, doc."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"We did our best for your husband but his poor old health insurance was too weak..."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'I had this two years ago.'

Doctors often have to reassure the worried well.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet.

"There are some things medical science cannot explain...like where the hell our health care system is heading."

Calm down...this is for your own good.

' 'Peppermint thumb' is one of our toughest cases to cure.'

'Every new neurosurgery intern has to make the joke about the patient having an 'open mind' but then they get over it.'

'House calls?...Dr. Latrobe doesn't even make phone calls!'

"It's for his shakes."

If I'm a hypochondriac, what does that make YOU?

'Perhaps we should start off with an underwear transplant.'

'And now, this warning from the Surgeon-General... THINK FAST!'

"That's the hospital policy. Cashiers must be familiar with emergency shock treatment."

"It's a simple stress test - I do your blood work, send it to the lab, and never get back to you with the results."

'Spin GP'

"Your intestinal flora looks good."

Outingpatient

"The procedure begins with a local anesthetic to your wallet."

'I'm pretty sure that you have something that is difficult to pronounce.'