Predictive Analytics Gifts

"This predictive software shows us exactly how you're going to mess up and be fired."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'I foresee a few more months of creating havoc without consequences, and then, yes, I see the 'cute' factor will start to wear thin...'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'From an aesthetic perspective, it has heart, beauty and intrigue, but is it a viable process design?'

"Well, there's nowhere to go but up."

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

"I'm sorry, JB, we still haven't worked out how we did it."

'As you can clearly see, our profits continue to climb well into the third quarter.'

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

'In celebration of Thanksgiving, this week's pie charts are all pumpkin flavored!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

'Well done! This works much better.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

'That is correct on so many levels Jenkins!'

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

Information vs. confusion

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'I'll crunch the numbers and get back to you.'

"Heads, we go with the analytics. Tails, we don't."

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

'Pick up Carlson on the end, he's got proven performance data.'

"Remember, data doesn't tell the whole story."

"I'm just sitting here collecting vast amounts of metadata. And what are you up to?...Oh, I already know."