Predictive Analytics Pillows

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

"This predictive software shows us exactly how you're going to mess up and be fired."

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

"Actual results indicate that the statistical analysis of the data which projections were based on may have been wrong."

'I foresee a few more months of creating havoc without consequences, and then, yes, I see the 'cute' factor will start to wear thin...'

"COUGH! COUGH! Years of data mining have left me with data lung. Don't be like your old man - go into modeling or visualization!"

'From an aesthetic perspective, it has heart, beauty and intrigue, but is it a viable process design?'

"Well, there's nowhere to go but up."

Real data visualization specialists are 100% committed to their profession.

"I'm sorry, JB, we still haven't worked out how we did it."

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

'As you can clearly see, our profits continue to climb well into the third quarter.'

'In celebration of Thanksgiving, this week's pie charts are all pumpkin flavored!'

"The good news is I used AI to fill in my March tournament bracket and I won the whole thing. The bad news is AI has become self aware and wants the prize money."

'Well done! This works much better.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

"We have reason to believe there may be some volatility in the fourth quarter."

'He's working on the great American requirements document.'

"The red bars represent the obscene numbers this quarter. The black bars are censoring those red bars."

Groundhog. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, Ernie. We can't expect an early spring if your umbrella is the only reason he's not seeing his shadow.

'That is correct on so many levels Jenkins!'

Information vs. confusion

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"Some good predictive analytics software would have really helped us avoid this mess..."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'Thanks for coming here today for my presentation, '10 cutting edge trends in the future of business analysis.' Copies of my talk will be available in the lobby in VHS and Betamax formats...'

'I'll crunch the numbers and get back to you.'

"He's been using the new virtual reality data viewer and climbing bar graphs..."

"So big data in the cloud really exists!"

"At least we are consistently inconsistent."

"Heads, we go with the analytics. Tails, we don't."

"Remember, data doesn't tell the whole story."