Practical Gift Seeker Pillows

'I'd like a solid retirement portfolio.'

'What do you do with the time you save?'

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

God putting the finishing touches to the Pug.

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

'All I want for Valentine's Day is a Greek fisherman's cap.'

Ball as water-melon.

A watch face with Stonehenge

'It's another corporate lawyer...do we want to buy a soul?'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

T-Rex Game of Choice - Ping Pong

Customer entering bank that is touting number of toasters given away

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Where Deviled Eggs come from

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

"What if the cat stuck in the tree has a gun? Is that an emergency?"

Santa's Helpers

"Roadkill cookies"

"Pass that."

Latest Greatest Fastest Computer...versus Good Enough.

Regifts of the Magi

Happy Bifurcation Day,

International House of Excrement

'Buy two pounds and I'll throw in the sword.'

'If you're out and about today don't forget the pith helmet.'

'...You're just not built to take selfies.'

"I've been really craving Italian food for months now. Can you grab me two kilos of rigatoni, three kilos of fettuccini, and a bigger shell? The one I have is feeling a bit too tight lately."

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

"I'm glad I don't have to put gas in it. the downside is that it takes a lot of time to put 3,000 AA batteries in it."

"That's $20 for you if you pluck the tail feathers off my rival over there..."

Kid Hints To Santa That He Wants A Bicycle For Christmas

Notorious gangsters, Bunny and Clyde.

"What seems to be the problem?"