Positive Retiree Gifts

"The gall of that woman! She's actually ENJOYING her retirement!"

"Why do dogs wag their tails? Because it always brings results."

"I used to love power, but now I'm more interested in mileage."

Two old superheroes on a park bench feeding the birds.

"Have you heard? There's talk about raising the retirement age to 170?"

"Since being semi-retired everything I do is half-assed."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

Old snowboarder with a zimmerboard.

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

A woman is as young as she feels like admitting to.

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

'Honey, I'm home - for good.'

"No more swinging from tree to tree! Now I take the bus and I even get a senior discount!"

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

'I'll see your diuretic and raise you three anti-depressants.'

'I'll review your salary next spring.'

Elephants never scared me. I once chased three of them into the river/I was able - before I lost my teeth - to bite a crocodile's tail right off / I'll never forget the time I roared so loud, twenty or maybe thirty monkeys fell right out of the tree.

'I want to give my children all the things I never had. Then move in with them.'

Best Scapegoat

"Oh yes, we expect to replace you very soon. After all, the qualifications for the job aren't much."

'Somewhere along the way, I went from lambada to lumbago.'

"Death coach..."

“Typical, first we lost our winter fuel payment, and now our woolly jumpers!”

'I don't want this job. I worked all my life and retired. I like being retired.'

'You'll have to excuse Gerald - he suffers from Seasonal Affected Disorder' (Naked man in arm chair in living room)

Senior PGA Moment.

'Relax - we're retired, we don't have any teeth.'

'Ferguson here will explain the 'worst case scenario' of Social Security Privatization.'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"I want to quit, spend more time with my family, finish grade 3....."

Someone loses his pension.

'Something tells me asking him to delay his retirement may be futile.'

The Great Pyramid of Geezers