Poolside Comedian Gifts

'What a RIP-off!'

Diver bouncing so high he flies out of the pool.

'They're not a swimming aid - they're my feet !'

'Drew has always wanted to learn to water-ski, so we go this lap pool.'

Get out of the kiddy pool Harold!

'Ha! Fake out!'

'Hey, you in the cap-I see what you're doing! Out of the pool!'

If you're going to scream every time a kid yells cannonball, you're not coming with me anymore.

"As you can see, I already have a towel."

I invited him to join me for a couple of laps and he drank half the pool.

No petting in the pool!

'Don't press so hard, I almost drowned back there!'

'Is that a thong or is your rear end devouring your swimsuit?'

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"My wife is the queen of misheard lyrics! Listen to her singing carefully next time: it's hilarious..."

Brighton Bersagliere.

Castro's successful invasion of miami beach.

Peter Benchley's New Book Fish!

Of all the times for us to run in to team GB's Olympic synchronised swimming squad!

Scene on the English coast.

'I think its being tapped.'

Dolphin tricks.

'Which end's the shallow end?'

"Here he comes! Don't move."

The vacation rental agency is saying technically that's a "lap pool," so we can't get our money back.

Tentacle attacking diver.

'I know it's tough starting out. Your father and I started out in a plastic bag.'

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

"Well, I don't know I'd call you lucky, but I do agree your boyfriend is quite a catch."

Bomb's Away

"...You shouldn't by any chance be missing one of your animals?"

'That would be way embarrassing.'

"Is 'Upstream' where we really want to be?"

'Which is the deep end?'

'The double codpiece and chips is very popular with the Blackpool crowd, your highness.'