Poolside Comedians Gifts

'I'm okay, guys, the lower diving board broke my fall!'

Brighton Bersagliere.

"You want answers?" "I want the truth!" "You can't handle the infinite explanation of cosmological arguments relating to the truth!"

Peter Benchley's New Book Fish!

Dolphin tricks.

Scene on the English coast.

'I think its being tapped.'

"It's my wife - she's trying to lure ships to their doom!"

'Which end's the shallow end?'

Death Takes A Time-Share

The vacation rental agency is saying technically that's a "lap pool," so we can't get our money back.

Tentacle attacking diver.

No petting in the pool!

Get out of the kiddy pool Harold!

'Ha! Fake out!'

'Aren't you supposed to drop the clam on the rock?'

'That would be way embarrassing.'

'Don't press so hard, I almost drowned back there!'

"...You shouldn't by any chance be missing one of your animals?"

Bomb's Away

'Which is the deep end?'

Ah heck, don't complain now! This is just the 'Warm-up'!

'Synchronised swimming.'

'The double codpiece and chips is very popular with the Blackpool crowd, your highness.'

'Amazing! 140 decibels as he hits the surface! That puts him easily into first!'

"OY! You trying to nick my chips?"

'The gannets are worse than the gulls!'

"Wow, cool fangs! Are you a vampire too?"

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed..."

'Is that a thong or is your rear end devouring your swimsuit?'

'...Where did you get all these piranhas?'

Aquarobics.

'What a RIP-off!'

'They're not a swimming aid - they're my feet !'

Pool Rules: No Diving, No Splashing, No Walking on Water.