Pocket Philosopher Gifts

No, actually, I've never found money in my pocket I didn't know I had.

'Mean? He's left handed and keeps his money in his right-hand pocket.'

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

'I know about the birds and the bees. Tell me about the bears and the bulls.'

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

"....But then I find myself saying, what if there isn't more to life than this?"

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

Woman on the phone.

'I've been told before that I'm very mature for a three year old.'

"Remember, we're the next generation so try not to blow it."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Dogs are men."

"Reverend, if we're born again in Jesus...do we get another belly button?"

"I'd like me first word to be profound, but I'll probably panic and blurt out 'Mama' like every other baby."

Kid praying: 'If it's okay with you, don't record this one.'

"Ah, the waiter ... And I was beginning to wonder if we really existed!"

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

I disturbed the class by talking in my sleep.

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

Power/Expenditures

The Inner Dog.

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

A man with a pocket handkerchief encounters a kangaroo with a pocket handkerchief.

'My investment club had morphed into a support group.'

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

Fred began to understand why this kit house was so cheap.

Gawk