Purse-string Philosopher Gifts

"If you can't BUY happiness maybe you can get it on hire purchase!"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Goldfish bowl on raft...

Reverse psychology

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"You want to grow a ponytail? OK...as long as it's not from hair growing out of your ears."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

'Instead of throwing sticks, why don't we sit down and tackle some sudoku?'

"I'm having second thoughts about those damn school uniforms."

Power/Expenditures

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"It Works For Us."

"Personally, this child would love to be 'left behind.'"

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

The evolution of a woman's purse.

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

Med. Soc Sec. Can we agree on anything to reduce the deficit other than a bake sale?

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

The end is near.