Closet Philosopher Gifts

"Harold is a closet intellectual and he's never coming out."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Fred's calculating what future natural catastrophes he can ignore based on his probably life span."

'Do you think it might be possible that what you wear could be a contributing factor to your relationship problems?'

"Feel free to take notes."

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Studies show foods work miracles!

For some reason, "The Road Less Travelled" GPS package never really caught on...

A bear is sat on an armchair with old man slippers.

Canine obidience class: 'He wouldn't budge from the armchair.'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

The dangerous world of the armchair thinker

"Can you hypnotise me into being in shape?"

'Mr. Dunbarter, your fantasy that 'greed is good' may be a case of economic insanity.'

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"And next up, Fairy Tales: FolkLORE or FolkLIES!"

"I should've never studied canon law."

Trivia Night in Apartment 8-G

"You're overthinking it. Sometimes a belly rub is just a belly rub."

"Well, he looks alive as of 10 minutes ago, but the stream is frozen."

The Three Kinds of People

"I don't believe in egrets."

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

'What do you mean 'theoretically'? Everything we do is theoretical.'

"So that's where you were last night."

"Lemme guess: You're struggling with the French press again."

'Care to join in some of my avoidance behaviour?'

"But, doctor, what are the advantages of living longer?"

"That's right - 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.' You just keep on thinking that..."

"Scientists confirmed today that everything we know about the structure of the universe is wrongedy-wrong-wrong."

How to be a Dynamic Over-achiever

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."