Penny Philosopher Gifts

"And the Haves, you might say, are divided into the Gives and Give Nots."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

He can't talk yet, but he still gets the last word.

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'Would you like your dividend in pennies, nickels or bitcoin?'

Power/Expenditures

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

My definition of 'quality time?'...charging $500 per hour.

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"I think the idea behind coin collecting is to get one of each kind, not all of the same kind!"

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"It Works For Us."

Dispute over pocket money

'I'd like to participate in gym class, but I'm afraid I'll get overheated and contribute to the global warming problem.'

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

I lactate, therefore I am.

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

The end is near.