Penny Pundit Gifts

'Maybe so, sir, but our motto is, 'A penny saved is a lot of trouble for nothing.''

"That's Paul, he's our head of partnerships..."

'Blast it, Peterson -- What's this I hear about you letting our profits trickle down?'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

Lemonade - $500 A Glass! 'Yes, my prices high, but how else am I supposed to buy a Boulevart M109R? Certainly not on my allowance.'

'Risky, but I like it!'

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Pie chart"

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"These are 'small bucks,' Josh. You have to work here a long time to get the 'big bucks'."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'The very name 'windfall profits' show it's an act of god.'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

'Increase your beer volume sales by filling the glasses up.'

Voice of the GOP

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"The good news is, we've managed to secure you a ?7 per week pay increase. The bad news is, we're going to charge ?2 per day to park your cars."

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Gas Price Reads: Way Too Much.

'We'd better schedule an autopsy audit.'