Pint Pundit Gifts

'I know you live a life of quiet desperation -- you never shut up about it!'

'Increase your beer volume sales by filling the glasses up.'

'Let's face it Sid. In this pub a 'Happy Hour' is one without a punch up...'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Pie chart"

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Cover story: Oil Workers Monthly.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'You drink like a fish.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'My first drink since my accident.'

'Oi! '

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Literary Dogs.

"We're TV pundits debating the issues."

'Well,here's the answer to why your car has been running so rough in the mornings Mr.Tait...It's pregnant!'

"Binaldi, Ravaccio, Dellacorte... and that's just the frames."

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

'Ok cup cake looks like its time to meet your maker.'

"I swear, Eddie, you ought to be on with Bill Moyers."

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

'It's from the local microbrewery.'